Cesspit

Full

Thoughts like pillow stuffing, pushed in my head,

reminders, notes, appointments I’m fed

Worries fit in wherever they can,

even, when there is nowhere… they are where they land

Fear of forgetting or lacking-  finances or time,

doubts of not giving enough of me, drowning Me out

Overwhelming this Determined Soul once & once again;

Hopes, dreams, wonders holding fast in my gut,

but can’t get out of this calamitous hole…

Rut.

from my gut….reflections of light seep through the darkening pit,

& each new burden, simultaneously fill My illuminations

…regurgitating this problem as it presents..

Life feeds me issues anew,

haven’t rid the sour taste prior, laying my palette

With no more tears,

I look over past years,

thinking all My choices were made, as best, as errors were corrected,

Yet I remain in society’s cesspit- a disposal of forgotten mess….

movements that are just acts of automated motions,

Only carefully thought, when involving my babies,

the reflections of hope, resembling light, remaining of My lone Self

Tired & Still,

I refuse to feel sorry for MySelf- for Me,

I know Who lies within the Depths unseen.

I “Must” continue on, in this surrounding, political shit!

Rousing & Inspiring My babies “To Be!”  “To Be!”

“To Be! Despite it all.  Fight from the beginning, Fight through it all….

Fight through the falls!  But “Be” Despite All Odds!!”

Angry, Aggravated, Pissed- Yes.

….at the Soul-Sucking Leeches,

exhausting the very survival of livelihood, of the working wo&man;

but Sorry for Me- No.

Never wanted to be rich,

Never have….

See-the rich are as miserable as broke- ones ain’t never had,

but the comfort of Contentment, Peace, Of Joy,

Of Smiles, of Yesses, and Sures,

 instead of no, not now, not this time, not this time,

not this time,

& maybe next time,

until, maybe they’ve forgotten- I hope…

but, in My heart remains the couldn’ts, Mama don’t have, didn’t haves,

Wish I could haves, wish I could…

No matter how much I work, no matter what I try to do….

I wanna say, “What’s the use?”…Work…this “life”

Fuck it all!!  At least I can spend quality time with them!!

….make My dreams Memories, Millions of feet tall….

Reality.

Knowing….I have food to supply…Medications to buy,

School to instill, so on & so on…

I keep on going

In mechanical hell…

listening to the “get it together” stories of how somebody got it worse

& how somebody had it this way, when they were a child

Well ya know, I’m sorry you had it like that

& I’m grateful for healthy children…Thank My Master every chance I get!! ” I do!!”

but this is a new day & time

It should be better;  damn it it aint!!!!

I’m thankful for My struggles as a child,

because of them “I have the memories of strength to go on”

But, I will not use it for an excuse not to want or expect more!

……& I go on praying the love channeled between my children & I will contain My sanity,

…..& I pray I’m sane long enough to see, they’ve heard & followed Ma’s words to go “up” hill

from their 1^st steps out, fighting like hell to stay at the top….

 “ If you should fall…. fight on the ground, come up fighting, but Don’t stop!” 

Once you’re on the bottom, in the middle even,….

It’s like a shoe’s heel over your head to keep you there…

In the Cesspit.

“You Be!”

5/23/12 © LeTisha.Bowie

Beneath the Keloids

Beneath the Keloids

The artistic eyes see within….

“Thick brown beautiful thang,”

into thickness created around a heart of oak,

into a soul of keloids;

Touching one….

Carrying the pain of its

“Could haves, would haves, should haves,”

… Listening to Her…

Sing the same melodies of Her grandmother…

and embracing another keloid beneath,

Underneath it lays the pain of touches,

which should have never been-

from an uncle, who should have been, a model of men in Her life;

this scar… one overlapping itself, holds much.

and seeing more scars, beneath those keloids…

of touches and demands,

from a cousin, who should have been a playmate, cousin, a friend, but

Who were his models?

and scars….scars within….of…

boyfriends of Her Mama….bastard men, who should have known better,

And, yet, had no fathers to teach them!!

The thickness that’s beyond the skin’s visual resonates,

in eyes as such,

from within the scars built up,

like blocks, only never knocked down- still standing,

as a wars defense mechanisms, against the enemies to come.

…She sees, as the line of men to come….

…no man, with better intentions, than the one prior.

So She’s still standing,

with much,

with them.

They having no stronger mentality, than the men that surpassed the others in Her life.

Trying to break Her Spirit, yet somehow,

She still Stands.

“Thicker, brown, beautiful…

Still….

She Stands.

One Day by One Day.

With Heart, intact,

Loves, Desires, Hopes, Words within….Infinite…

because, She knows the Humanity, Power, Livelihood, Hope and All

that, She holds dear, was also taken years ago, from Our Men.

Then,

instead of ReBuilding…They were freed, into mental slavery, like mad, wild-

tearing down and they held on to what was close- Their “own”,

But, we weren’t to own-

But to share, join, love with, build with You…. Wo”men”-

Forgetting without “Womb”man- they would not exist.

Having lost and forgotten all love and honor for Her…

Seeing when looking into His eyes, My Brother

When looking into Her eyes, My Sister

I see in my dreams that are Ours

It is not always me there…..

“I know that our “Could’ve, Would’ve, Should’ves,”

are intertwined with the desires of structured family …stability, 

It is for these loves… the cost is many lost dreams, which can be reality.

…that I stand

…. that I write what I see

….what my spirit speaks

from within…..”

….Both have come from me,

Wo“Man”…. Wo “Men”

I stand.

Knowing the healing beneath all of Our scars….

all of the keloids that will ever exist…..

I dream and have visions of

© Copyright LeTisha.Bowie 4/29/12

My Mother's Love

My Mother’s Love

She
Taught, as She thoroughly,
Cleaned dishes…
Spotless
we would be,
not in brand name shoes & clothes, in
Hand-made &
by hand, She made &
Molded
us to be, the Women we are…
Stong,
as She, still holding on to Her dreams, as
we
Grow into Ours
daily- She would
discipline our rights &
wrongs, not
allowing disrespect or back-
talking- to us day in and day out…”Girls should
present themselves from the inside, not the out.”….”You
respect your Elders- even those, that aren’t biologically so.” -
“They were- They are- Yours”….They’re
Mine- Treasures I’m holding within my heart, as I’m
Teaching My womb-spring the same
Ancient love,….
old as time- the love of “your” lives…
…..the love of “your” life, is to be
Treasured, like the delved up, stolen gold, of our home’s origination…..
Africa…… taken, as we, yet, never forgotten….for it’s buried…..
Deep within, like the
knowledge Mama
dedicated us, when we were mere youngin’s,
Rebelling,
Fighting back,
for what we thought, then, were the dreams & loves, of our own young hearts, being
Held captive…. &, now, We
hold on to it, like the Ol’ South’s crawfish…. to the
memories of Her every word,
Swallowing the instructed, mature fruit, which have, now, ripened in our minds, from
Dr. Mama, verses Dr. PhD, for those ancient remedies have become consciously understood…..
Accepting the lack of some things, unaffordable, back then, having no matter now,
for the gain of mental & internal riches irreplaceable, today….
Appreciation of the hand-knitted ornaments Mama made, and
pop-corn, strung garland on the tree, we all made together, for…..
we know what life’s struggle is, as….
we are living it…..and Mama still Stands as Our guide…….
Taking value, the dusting of window-
Seals the respect of new visitors, that arrive, with
visions, of the products of a
Strong Mama, who
gave all of Her, so that We could
Be the Women She wanted us to Be……

The Love of My Mother…My Mama will never…can never be forgotten, for, those young thoughts of rebellion have been replaced with what, I, a mother, today, know, was & is The Love of a Child.

Copyright ©LeTisha. Bowie 4/21/12

Our Shades of Black

Our Many Shades of Black" Lessons learned.... Dedicated to my Twin Sisters, & all of My Brothers & Sisters Granny 'Nora had a subliminal hatred for shades- she had a set of black grands' & a set of whites, which were the lighter shades, she raved; Grandma Clara's hatred for shades was so strong- she wished they were invisible..... emotions so durable, they caused divisions made, …between, her and the "Joy", of a grand-daughter's love, she so desperately craved; ….the birthing’s & deliverances of self-hatred & confusion, ingested by our babes, who ate of knowledge, before knowing they'd been fed, ...devouring words & worlds of Our Precious Elders, like fresh ripe plum, from "Big Mama's" plum tree… anticipating the ripening…. ....& breaking the flesh of the fruit of their wisdom; Their innermost knowing… that: Black we are- "All" ....and in "All" of Our families, we are: Light-skinned, yellow- bones, Red-bones, black, blue-black, Jet-black, dirty- red & copper-toned.... Cocoas & browns & almost whites.... .....name callings of many, and many by Our very own..... ....the pain, of the souls, of the left behind, …of the chosen, has & is obvious & obviously carried for lifetimes; ……in the shades of the songs, of Black Spirits…. Yet We are “One.” My mind recalls: An innocent child spoke, “I’m the light one, you’re the dark one,” and How could she have known? for she had been fed from supposedly wise ones…. …..the ones who chose the lighter shades, over the darker, yet, we are all black….we are all “one” Recalling Her sibling: An also, innocent child, who was the dark scorned, as she cradles that day, like it was her limb birthed….. …..& Grandma, who wished color, was non-existent…..One who preached, “You’re no better than your next brother or sister!” “Who do you think you are?” …..& Granny, who wrote letters, questioning the darkness of the color, of one’s own grand-child’s child… Scalding hot!!!…showers of confusion…. & mental slavery begins… in the minds of our children, who soon realize, they live(d) in a time, when…. you are better, the lighter you are…. the better you will be treat-ed, the brighter your skin…..the more quality you are of a being….. Children wishing for light-skinned babies, before they know the locus of their own beings!!! And so the downfall of our heritage goes! For the fear!! Of judgment! & the same pain of our ancestors! Fear of enduring & sharing their unshed tears, our babies hold fast, to what seems like the truth of endurance- And so ….the patterns of subconscious, negative, spiraling downward, into pits of depression goes on….. The brainwashing began, before we knew what it was…. birthed into young spirits, with the contractions of our Elders own sufferings, as subconscious mental protections….. …..they thought,….. As a means, to blend, with whom they thought were the “civilized ones” “Good-haired” “To birth lighter-skinned babies,” Maybe they wouldn’t suffer so much hatred. ….thinking back & remembering of those days & I know that I’m not alone…. ….my heart feels the division, caused among our bloodline, for causes that aren’t even our own….. I believe “They All” and “They Both,” wanted to protect us, but it was in ways of their very own; ….the ways they’d also been taught…….My Grandparents……Our Grandparents… It’s the venom of “our” own pain, fear, experiences & racism….. …with it came loss & still comes with loss ….that we adapt, fit in, and deal with it, no matter what the cost is … …losing the love of those that should be closest, at the start of a child’s lesson, that should never have been taught……. ….the expense has been & still is: “Our” Spirits, “Our” Smiles, “Our” Songs, and most of all “Our Love of Self!!” …..the cost is more expensive than any purchase…. Because venom is deadly!!! And for the most….. we vaccinate with “acceptance” (of what shouldn’t be accepted!!) It’s like treating a migraine, with a pneumonia medication- It doesn’t work!!! It’s like taking a placebo, to treat diabetes, and expecting your sugar to be regulated!!! You are pacified, not filled or cured and slowly die inside!!! We vaccinate, with accommodation, and “blending in” vs “standing in” …lovin’ Self in “Your Own Skin” & standing!!!- Just you!!!! Blending in….with the “Fly” external presentation….appearing so wonderful… “Blending” …carcass…. Dying within from the pain of the desire for freedom….the desire to just be ….wondering of the “Joy” to free yourself, of the internal bondage of Self- hatred!! ….freedom from the bondage of low self-esteem, which “we,” so many, still refuse to claim!!!! It is!!! When you believe changing who you are, to be pleas…ing…. ….for someone who could give a damn about your heart- About Your Soul…. About “You”!!!! And Internally, your dying daily… How would they know? Do you love yourself enough to search within You? To find the things that make You do what You do? I’d been told by my Grandma to, “Leave the past, in the past!!!!” But!! I’d have never known why she shed those tears at night…. if I would have just accepted it!!! and leave it!!!.....leave my people starving for themselves!!!!, ….Without a clue how to truly love Self!!! If I had just left it!!!! I never would have known why my mama cried at night, and why sometimes she still does!!!! If….If I would have left it…Just left the past in the past!!!!! If…I would have just left things alone….left them the way they were…the way they are….!!!! I never would have known why my daddy cried & drank himself sick, almost every day of his living life!!!! …………….If I had just left it!! I can’t!! My heart won’t let me, if I try!!! I am a seeker!!! A seeker of truth!!! It’s because, I love me, and It is because I love you!!! …that I can never just accept what I’ve lived through!!..... …which is nothing!! Compared to what Our Elders survived and died for!!! It’s because My Soul won’t lie still and digest, that accepting!!!, that the shades of our colors!!!... ….that the many shades that lie within Our Blackness, are divisions!!! I regurgitate the notion!!! ….that these forced wedges within & throughout us…that it is Our only way! It is not!!! It is not!!! And I refuse to accept the suggestions that “It’s just the way it is.” Well the way it is, don’t fly well in my wind!!! I’m here My Loves, to send you a message: ….that we are shades of many, hair textures of plenty and the diversity within our blackness, is what makes us unique, a one-of-a-kind, and Blessed people. There is no need to change for the likes of any others- Change for the love of You!!! Know Your history, so that You will know, that there’s more than enough reason to Love You!!! You & Me- We were created in the Glory of the Eyes of a Creator/tress, who makes no error….creating uniqueness in every single detail & shade, with pleasure!!!! I love Our Many Shades of Black, and without them, what color would the world be? Colorless. I said, without Our Many Shades, what color would the world be My Twin Sisters, My Brothers & Sisters!!? Without Natural, without kinky……there would be no curly…..there would be no wavy No. Without “You as created”…..What would this world be? It takes us all, to make this grand variety!! Straight. Colorless. You better look inside, ….let’s teach Our Children there’s nothing to hide!! There’s no reason, not to know where it all began, … otherwise, How can you heal & mend Your broken hearts? How can you teach, if you haven’t been taught? Love Yourself!!! Know Yourself!! Our Many Shades of Black are Beautiful!!!!! © LeTisha.Bowie 4/15/2012

Love Games

  Love Games

You said, “Wait and see what happens”

I’ve been here heart completely- from the 1^st Chapter

Through your games

Through your changes

I stood

Loved Me like the Queen I am….you “did”

Gentle touches,

Butterfly kisses, and

Firefly glowing eyes;

My helium heart did float- in the 1^st Chapter

….as the pages begin to turn,

so did your games

What I thought was true love,

I, now, know was just the 1^st inning, for you….

What you didn’t know was…..

“With My heart, you get no strikes”

You surely did hit a homerun, though, hunny….

when you struck Me with that fake bunt,

……Just to reel Me in

Your fish I “was”, but, I didn’t bite your hook for long.

I realized, quickly, that I was dealing with artificial artifacts.

….and I spew you out like a pregnant Mama in Her 1^st trimester,

as you had begun to sicken My soul….My being…

before we even began Chapter 2, I slammed that book shut!

Discarded it!

I was beginning to breathe easily,

when you tried again,

tried to use your old key;

the one I knew, no longer fit into my life,

thinking that the locks remained unchanged

a foul, bitter taste of bile came northward my throat…

touching my taste buds, ever so slightly.

just the thought that you would approach me once more with your game,

only this time My heart is harder…stronger…

I am wiser.

even now, you come half-steppin’ with your broken bat,

and same ol’ plays.

I swallow My spittle and smile….

Knowing that I’m not playing or buying your tickets this time ‘round.

I refuse to allow you to play My heart like a softball…

Play with My life….My children.

I’ve grown….your actions show that you still haven’t.

I “see” that you’re still blinded,

holdin’ on continuously to your “friends” and youth vs teaching them.

The refusal to gain wisdom…to increase internally in life…

Saddened by you….I can still smile,

thinking….

thinkin' of what My heart would have given,

what My soul would have shared and wrapped into you….into us

Yeah….saddened, but Free

Free….I am to know that we deserve more

Exhilarated, because of the lessons I have learned…

The strength I have gained, giving me to power to say,

Hell No.

The End.

© ~Urth Eagle Tisha 1/10/12

Is Transitioning to Natural or BC Considered a Trend or Change...to you? My Musings today.....

Trend.....The popular taste at a given time; Turn sharply; change direction abruptly

Change.....Make different; cause a transformation; Remove or replace the coverings of; An event that occurs when something passes from one state or phase to another

Now I've always considered a trend like changing styles of clothing, vehicles, shoes, etc....but on the other hand to make a change, in my opinion, is to move a way from a particular thing, scene, way, etc into another direction or way.

So, in saying this, personally to say that a person's choice to go to their own "natural state of hair" would have to be a change not a trend.  Even it one tranverted back to a relaxed stated, it is still a change, based on choice or opinion. Maybe there are some people who say....Oh I like the way natural looks...I want to do that or try it, not knowing each individuals purpose or reason for this transformation or change, so maybe I'm only thinking personally here.

To me the "change" to My God given natural state, was because if I'm gonna go an purchase kinky, natural looking, African looking hair, to cover a relaxed hair.....kinda dawned on me as ridiculous, when I was born with what I considered beautiful......wear my own. So, when I want to do something....i have my mind made up...i intend to do it.  

I did not want to wait on two differnt textures of hair to grow out....I wanted to embrace what I was born with.......BC (Big Chop) it is.......Ofcourse, my husband still had the mental state that straight, long hair is beautiful and was impressed by the decision, but respected my decision.....and so here I am two years later natural and loving it.....I have not intention of  ever going back to a relaxed state...this is my personal choice....."change"...not a trend, because my choice when deeper than seeing, liking and changing a style.....you don't chop off your hair for a trend......It was a deep, heart-felt decision,, in which I have not regrets.....I feel My Creator made us all in various likes and ways and Afrikans/Blacks were made in the beauty that was intended.....we were just brain-washed that our hair is nappy.....unacceptable in society....etc.....How in the world do you brain-wash an entire race that what they were born with is "unacceptable".......How? that what grows from the roots of your head from birth, is unacceptable and not good enough.....and it has been eaten like ripe fruit and digested for centuries.......Unbelievable right? So digested that it has become and unconscious though....."normal" to relax your hair and children, before they even know what it is.....It's ok.....I'm not judging....I did it too....it's what I was taught....to burn the crap out of my daughters head, to straighten her kinks......hmmmmm.......

When I chopped my hair off....my daughter said "Why do I have to have that stuff in my head to burn my head and you don't"......I looked at her and I said.....you don't......I explained all of the above and she has been natural for 2 years and she will tell anyone the same things that I have stated with confidence.....Thank God/dess I never put my baby girl through it!!

I felt I should be able to wake up comb/style my hair just as I was born with it, like any other race, without feeling the need to look like them.  I love me just the way God made me.  Some of us were not even given the choice to relax, it was made for us, by our parents, because of a mental slavery.....To them straight, relaxed hair was seen as beautiful....sure it is...if thats what God gave you, but I don't feel the need to look like someone else to see the beauty in myself....my only regret is that I hid the true me inside for so long, that I robbed myself this taste of joy and freedom for to long......I am grateful for the knowledge before I allowed my girls to go through the same experiences of damage, breakage, cutting, relaxing and the cycle through life over and over of self- abuse and self-hatred.......

I can't say that they won't decide to make changes when the become adults, but I can know that I have instilled self love in them and that they will know that they are Beautifully Created, just the way they are........No Trends....Just Changes for the Best....Conscious Knowledge of Self......  : ) 

And they will know that if any man they meet wants long, straight hair and tries to convince them they are any less beautiful than they were created..... they better go buy it and wear it their damn selves.....lol

Because We Were Crowned By Birth!!!!!!

Guide to my destination,

Leading Mighty Whirlwind,

Spirals of Spiritual Wisdom present a tornado,

Ready to take on all!

Kinky,

Full of strength and force!

My frizzy,

My curly bunch of tightness

Like mini twisters,

going left,

going right,

Complex and swift led

…..and underneath- wavy funnels of black frizzies,

The drive of My Sistahncestors

It is the steering wheel’s control of My future,

A flashlight that guides the Earth’s magnificence,

Transmitted on from ancient memories,

A mass of inherited twisted knowledge,

Yet Spiritual channeled to be known.

Separating into tiny, spring-like, corkscrew shaped,

Thick,

Bushy,

Wooly mass, carried from antediluvian Goddess,

Perfectly, Master-made brown and black beauts.

My crown

The rise of My Fullness,

A continuously expanding growth…..

Outward-

Upwards-

Because, it guards My Goddess

My Crown

….crowns a Mighty Feminine Cocoa Queen…..

Confusion to the enemies,

Connection to My Sistah Goddess……protected

Crowned by Birth!

© LeTisha.Bowie 9/11/10 “Urth Eagle"

Womb Roots Emblem

breath’s bassinet of life reservoir of ancient mysteries miraculous wonder-womb pumping the life of humanity, as with the heart’s necessity to the body flowing manifestations of life and death belly expanded to divers shapes and sizes beaut moon, expressing stretched artistic roots stretched over lunar eastward yoni producer and supplier of minerals… nutrients for Her new glorious Heir validation of Goddess divinity womb…Wombman origin….root of life source of existence wearing stretched root emblems of love love Her blood has sprang into cosmos ever Womb ROOTS EMBLEM by Urth Eagle

Mama Made A Way

I wrote this when i was in high school, then last year, while talking with a publisher- I tried and tried to edit it, shorten it, etc....to make it into more contemporary poem style, but it's not. It's not nearly the full story, but a brief one of my mothers love and I've decided to share it just as it was written, and as I remember it in its length. Mama made a Way by Urth Eagle

Audio of Story Then, Now, Today

Then now today by Urth Eagle

A Story...Then, Now, Today

Then, Now, Today

Laying....Sacred Womb pressed against my cushy bed

"Years ago, before I birthed life", thinking in my head....

I'm not the Ma I envisioned of me

Yet, Today, "I Am" the best that I can be

Times have surely changed

The time in My day eats the responsibilities like a starving child

and there's no space therein to rearrange

The world worse even, but My Inner Spirit remains the Spirit of determination as

then....I said I will speak soft, but firm

words of wisdom .....what i will have learned

I will lead them by example, for I will make something of Me,

just a little easier living, in which I will have earned

Visions & Dreams

Aspirations & Means.....My own

Then I began to live....reality it is

Awakened from an awake sleep to "life", mistakes, heartaches

....dead are the years, which have passed, rapidly, as I thought I had time to get it right

....My hopes and foreseen images of "better"

....of overcoming my childhood years, struggles and fears

Patience necessary- larger than I'd projected too....years ago, before I sprung life into being

.....it's shorter nowaday, patience is.....as......

time swallows My day, My smile, My song, My way......by mid-day....it does

knowing that the desires, the pleas, the love, the needs of My Precious Little ones are crammed into this world's chaos, and My misjudgements passed........

Shedding undesired tears for My struggles are the same as My Ma's......the same struggles that I envisioned one day would not be My own.

To "My" Sun

To "My" Sun



son (sun)

     seek her beauty that requires no need to hunt or wild chase-

her beauty shines radiantly, you feel it from within....the depths of your heart's soul, which is love's humble abode

-feel her confidence- feel her- bright, brilliant, serene

before sight- it's unseen....from within your being

No...no need to hunt-

Her electric currents flow from soul to soul-

A connection that requires no monthly due....feelings that just unfold

A Black Queen, She turns on your King....."The" you are, without the physical touch, yet your heart feels this sudden rush.....

not to miss the connection so rare, it becomes so difficult not to stare...

She, too, feels your two souls connect- Your strength, your truth, your respect for She...

She can feel you from within the depths of love unknown....

She feels your real Man, Your love deep

She sees no weak.....ness, no mess.....

-raised Man.....willing to give His everything to:


The Radiant Queen......The Sun....The Moon......Stars, Mother of All.....Head High with pride, Back straight....strength....beauty from within....deeper than the  physical eyes comprehension.......


It is She, Queen to be...Love



-LeTisha Bowie

dedicated to "My" Sun(Son)