HerStory

I hungrily ate each letter,

digested them gently, one by one,

& made words,

knowing the power that is HerStory,

the power she can’t see,

& power I can no longer let go undone

as I looked within Her full, dark eyes,

peering into a brain of resting wisdom,

I see hope through the severity of Her pain

the wanting of not even a shoulder,

but, just a listening ear,

an honest, understanding heart,

knowing the anguish held in for years

~~they don’t know!

they don’t even care!

they stare, & judge me, from rumors carried everywhere!

casting lines, hooking my spirit,

tearing my unhealed scars,

ripping my unhealed wounds,

because they don’t choose to know me~~

~~they don’t want to

never even tried,

they’ve hated me,

without knowing who I am inside,

they’ve rated me, based on some ungodly scale,

thinking this is the fate I’ve made for myself-

well they can all go to hell!~~

~~I’ve been down,

cracked out…yeah I’ve been at rock bottom’s bottom,

as they pointed & as they watch….shaking their heads…

& I don’t speak, I look..

Sometimes I’ve winked…just for the sake of it!!!~~

~~I’ve let them throw dirt & reopen old, yet barely healing wounds,

…..looking up at the moon,

I walk off to get my next hit,

covering the pain of a scarred over, infected wound….

just to make it another day~~

~~screaming inside, Wait!!!!!!!!!

You! You don’t know me!! You don’t know my fuckin’ story!!!

You… don’t knowww…wh..a.t it’s like….You know nothing!!! Hypocrites you!!

You.. you… think it’s too late, but I’ll show you. 

You!! who never cared enough to ask!!!

You!! who never gave a damn about a lil girl!!!!

You forgot me, but I’ll always remember you….

You never asked what happened to the smart lil girl….

….the educated lil sister….

that went from heaven to hell overnight!!!

You yellin’ you for the people!!!

You….walked away!!!

You….walked all over me like a piece of ass for sale…..

A lil girl!!! Trying to survive, all confused in this world…

of cruel adults….

Ohhh….How could you??? And then judge me!!!?

You never asked!!!

And then later….as I fell….still…you never asked….

……is there anything that you need?~~

But, she didn’t scream it,

the awakening women,

broken child,

she cried, within the safety of her high….

~~nor would I get on my knees, beg or plead!

to tell them My story…of my rape,

….to those who had no clue,

but gifted me hatred & judgment for years,

no I wouldn’t tell them of my stolen childhood,

….those who knew & swept it under the rug,

as if they could tell me how to deal with it,

as if they knew when enough time had passed,

like I could swat it away like a bug on my ass,

& as if they knew, when the nightmares would go away,

THEY HAVEN’T! I remember it, just like it was yesterday!

Oh NO! Not my blood, who walked over me,

Talked over me, & about me,

forgetting Sistah was never dumb,

….Just broken~~

~~& I’m smart enough that I must give thanks!

I still have the consciousness to say I want to overcome!

But, as I rise up,

I’ll never forget the theft of my lost blood,

the deception of my bloodline,

nor the blood that left me homeless,

But I’ll remember the Ones who help me now,

giving encouragement,

to stand,

to give to My loves~~

~~I’ll never forget the religious families, the righteous families,

my preacher uncle, the combination…

who raped the lil girl I was,

& tried to steal My Soul~~

She told.

© 9/8/12 LeTisha.Woods.Bowie

My Sacrifice is Not Yours

Sacrifice:  to offer, to surrender…to give freely of yourSelf…

to and for the sake of things or people,

for your devoted love and value of them.

My sacrifice may not be yours, nor yours mine.

ours are ours, and to take away the love of either’s,

for personal motives, understood or misunderstood,

leaves room for Self-evaluation;

in life, as mothers and as parents,

most of us, we do the best we can manage,

though in living it, some tend to pass judgments,

without knowing each other’s circumstances;

you see, I may sacrifice my lunch for my child’s supper,

you may have sacrifice your evening for a second job to keep suppers,

I may sacrifice my evenings for chaperoning & participating…

at band, strings, and sports events,

You may have sacrificed those same activities for your peace…

You may have sacrificed those events for finances, in which you had to work…

& many of these, you just couldn’t reach…

I may struggle with finances to keep mine active and of the streets,

while you worked & had to take the risks of leaving us house to house for keep,

until the oldest could raise the youngest,

& then I was the piece of peace keeper…

you see your preachin’s of “keepin’ your pants up and knees closed”

“cuz you ain’t bringin’ no babies in here for me to raise”

never went too far…

they reproduced more than just child,

but resentment of the fact, that I felt I was raising yours…

as a child, not understanding sacrifices,

nor wanting to, when you’re dealing with touches unpleasant,

& threats from low-life peasants,

then, My peace never came….

answers nor understanding never came…

after a while, a gift of life did,

reality hit a homerun,

& your replay in my head stopped……

Not recalling when my childhood started,

but “My” life had begun

I may run my like I’m in a marathon going for the gold,

Like a rugged dog,

the sun’s rays making the end look nearer,

the pavement looks like the water is just a lil’ bit closer,

yet the race is nowhere near its end,

to be home when my babies are home, and home when they’re asleep,

while you singly worked sometimes two jobs,

to care for the lives of three,

& I was taking care of your two;

Your sacrifices, the surviving single Mother,

doing the best you knew how,

You did the most salutary of “Your” Being,

Mine come, a married Mother,

of Today, doing the best I can,

to love from the knowing of Your strength,

not the callings of what some may consider Your error,

the error is of the ignorant, malformed minds, of those you entrusted,

& entrusted,

in which, now I cannot.

Who would I be?

What of a Mother would I be to repeat, yet not learn of the paths We’ve walked?

I’m making My own sacrifices that work on My journey.

I “will” give up my plate.

I “will” stay up late.

I’ll go sleepless nights.

I’ll superlatively climb all heights.

I may not pass your test,

but I’ll be here to make sure they pass theirs.

I may not make “every” concert, every tournament, or every game,

but I’ll try.

I will sacrifice my rest, to show my face.

I will sacrifice my weariness, to take my place.

In the stands, in the bleachers, on the floors….yelling their names,

letting them know,

“Mama sees you!!! I’m here!! You can do it!!”

I’ll sacrifice my life!!!!

& I no longer blame you,

as I did, when I was a child.

the sacrifices you chose are no longer mine,

the ones I choose aren’t yours…this will be my fine.

“You” did the best that you knew….

What you had to do…..

Know that the memories I don’t own, I will instill into mine,

the ones I retain, I will kill to prevent,

Don’t you condemn me for the weight of My Own will,

Sure the force gets grave,

And let it bury me in the Earth!

But I’ll sacrifice “My” life, for the lives that I birthed!!

In Your sacrifices of love, for financial stability

& a lil’ piece of Your own peace,

Unwillingly, You sacrificed pieces of me,

I can only speak for the 1 child of 3,

I can only speak for me,

we all have our own story to tell,

My lessons, I learned well,

when another man’s work day extracts too much from My child,

That’s when My sacrifices to them are done,

it will be time to put that chapter in the file.

©LeTisha.Woods.Bowie 8/11/12